In early 2004, a few weeks before Sherrod and I were married, I wrote a column about my search for the gay couples who were trying to undermine our heterosexual marriage. Far-right, self-proclaimed Christians were insisting this was a thing, as if strategic flirting could coax a straight person to burst into glorious gay bloom. In that same year, the Bible Belt had the highest divorce rate in the country, and Massachusetts, where same-sex marriage was already legal, had the lowest.
You will never know who your words will reach. My now 96-year-old very Catholic mother changed her mind about gay marriage after a rant from Keith Olberman. It wasn’t you, but it was someone and he doesn’t know what he did either.
What that change meant was that my gay cousin, who waited to marry her partner of 30 years until her own parents were dead, was warmly welcomed into my parents’ home. We celebrated their marriage. They shared a guest room just like every married couple.
When my dad died, that cousin beat me to my mom’s house, a several hour flight for both of us. I don’t think these facts are unrelated.
Connie, you need to keep shouting our truths. They are not stale and need to be heard. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for you and Sherrod being strong allies. My wife and I just returned from a three week Alaska trip. We were often mistaken for sisters. Some ventured to ask how long we had been together-22 years, more than many of the heterosexual couples we met. Then they asked how long we had been married-14 years. That eight year gap denied me the right to have my wife covered by my employer health insurance. Then it taxed that insurance as it was income. Then I had to file claims when same-sex marriage was legalized so I could recoup that money. My wife and I were never “groomed” or groomers. We like many of our friends don’t have the time nor the inclination. We live our lives pretty much like others. We are too busy scheduling plumbers when the toilet has a leak, scheduling the roofer when it leaks, being election judges, volunteering at our local nature center and enjoying trips to beautiful Alaska. My wife and I hope that some of the people we met on our trip have a new understanding of how similar we are to them. But we don’t dwell on it because we are too busy living our lives to be concerned about what others think of us
Such a well-crafted reminder that we’re all alike in shared goals, activities and everyday ordinariness. You show, Kathi, how what’s basically no big deal really *is* meaningful and noteworthy. Love is love 💕
I am reminded of Mr. Rogers saying that in a crisis we should look for the helpers. That picture of the May 2 council meeting attendees is a photo of some of the helpers. Love is the antidote to hate, and you and Sherrod are two of the helpers making sure that love wins. Thank you.
Peggy, thank you for your kind words. I have felt a shift as a columnist in the last couple of years. It is easy to incite anger, and that outrage is so often necessary. I want to look for reasons to remain hopeful, and share what I find.
Mr. Rogers was an incredible human, and I’ll never forget hearing him tell my children to look for the helpers. He’s been gone for many years now, but I can’t imagine a world where he would hate someone because of who they love.
Tears welling. Thank you for letting me read this for free. We are retired and my husband has Parkinson’s. Some days there is very little hope. I worry about a country where the other guy is in charge. Years ago my dad, a traditional Catholic, who died last October at 101, said he no longer had a problem with gays and gay marriage, he decided it didn’t impact him.
For years I didn’t understand what it felt like to lose a parent. It feels hopeless and strange …to think i’ll never see or hear or be able to hug them again. The only thing that ends that empty feeling is when I die. I’ve mentioned before on Social Media that my mom also died 4 weeks shy of her 100th b’day and 5 months after my dad died. She died suddenly if that’s possible for being 99. I wish I would have appreciated her more. The 2 people that loved me my whole life are gone. 😞
Thank you, thank you, thank you. If only we had more allies like you! Love wins! No matter how hard the journey.
My lovely wife and I will be celebrating our 30th year together later this year. I don’t want to jinx us, but so far, no evidence we have harmed any straight marriages!
You have stop doing this. I don’t usually wear makeup, as a woman who turned 18 and voted the first time in 1972 (yay, McGovern!), I my beauty routine included Vaseline, Pears Soap, and witch hazel. Yet lately I have felt a little fancy and added lipstick and mascara, and it seems I always put on mascara just before reading your Substack. And your post always bring me to tears- either laughing so hard I cry or like today I cry thinking of dear friends and family members who should not have to be fearful of being targets because of whom they love.
Sharon, keep the mascara if it makes you feel fancy! I wear Thrive's water resistant Liquid Lash Extensions Mascara. I do believe this is the first time in my life I've shared a makeup tip with a reader. Like you, I tend to be a minimalist in that realm.
Together 48 years, married since 2013 in another state. Driving home we realized that when we entered Ohio we were no longer married. Thankfully that has changed, in large part because of people like you. You keep us hopeful.
Thank you for this article. I have friends and family that belong to the LGBTQ+ community. As the BIBLE says: "Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself!" No if, ands, or buts, just LOVE! thanks again. :-)
I have always felt that the opposite of love is fear. People fear what they don't know or understand. In the age of misinformatio, aka lies, it is no wonder these homophobes are out in droves. Christians they are not. Choose love every time!
"Massachusetts became the first US state to legalize same-sex marriage on May 17, 2004, after the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court (SJC) ruled in Goodridge v. Department of Public Health that the state constitution prohibited only opposite-sex couples from marrying. The ruling, which came down on November 18, 2003, cited the constitution's ban on creating second-class citizens and gave the state 180 days to change the law. Despite efforts by some legislators to pass an amendment that would ban same-sex marriage but allow civil unions, the law change went through."
We may have been ahead of your state, but not of your heart.
Oh, but how I envied all of you in Massachusetts at the time, Martin. So many of my gay friends were married in your state because ours denied them this fundamental right.
Thank you, Connie. I am struggling to find the right words to thank you which is saying a lot coming from a preacher! Yes, love wins. They have tried to shout it down and stifle it with violence and even the cross, but love always wins.
You will never know who your words will reach. My now 96-year-old very Catholic mother changed her mind about gay marriage after a rant from Keith Olberman. It wasn’t you, but it was someone and he doesn’t know what he did either.
What that change meant was that my gay cousin, who waited to marry her partner of 30 years until her own parents were dead, was warmly welcomed into my parents’ home. We celebrated their marriage. They shared a guest room just like every married couple.
When my dad died, that cousin beat me to my mom’s house, a several hour flight for both of us. I don’t think these facts are unrelated.
Carry on. It’s working.
PS — your husband is hot.
Karen, I love this story about your mother. We are never too old for love.
Your postscript made me laugh. True, true....
Thank you for that last sentence. I meant to put it in my comment, but got too emotional to think straight.
And he cares about the people of Ohio and responds to my concerns whenever I send him an email on line. Vote Big. Vote Love. Vote Blue!
Oh, great line: "Vote Big. Vote Love. Vote Blue."
LET'S SEE THOSE POSTERS IN EVERY YARD!!!
Connie, you need to keep shouting our truths. They are not stale and need to be heard. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for you and Sherrod being strong allies. My wife and I just returned from a three week Alaska trip. We were often mistaken for sisters. Some ventured to ask how long we had been together-22 years, more than many of the heterosexual couples we met. Then they asked how long we had been married-14 years. That eight year gap denied me the right to have my wife covered by my employer health insurance. Then it taxed that insurance as it was income. Then I had to file claims when same-sex marriage was legalized so I could recoup that money. My wife and I were never “groomed” or groomers. We like many of our friends don’t have the time nor the inclination. We live our lives pretty much like others. We are too busy scheduling plumbers when the toilet has a leak, scheduling the roofer when it leaks, being election judges, volunteering at our local nature center and enjoying trips to beautiful Alaska. My wife and I hope that some of the people we met on our trip have a new understanding of how similar we are to them. But we don’t dwell on it because we are too busy living our lives to be concerned about what others think of us
Such a well-crafted reminder that we’re all alike in shared goals, activities and everyday ordinariness. You show, Kathi, how what’s basically no big deal really *is* meaningful and noteworthy. Love is love 💕
Thank you Alan. You get it!
I am reminded of Mr. Rogers saying that in a crisis we should look for the helpers. That picture of the May 2 council meeting attendees is a photo of some of the helpers. Love is the antidote to hate, and you and Sherrod are two of the helpers making sure that love wins. Thank you.
Peggy, thank you for your kind words. I have felt a shift as a columnist in the last couple of years. It is easy to incite anger, and that outrage is so often necessary. I want to look for reasons to remain hopeful, and share what I find.
Mr. Rogers was an incredible human, and I’ll never forget hearing him tell my children to look for the helpers. He’s been gone for many years now, but I can’t imagine a world where he would hate someone because of who they love.
Tears welling. Thank you for letting me read this for free. We are retired and my husband has Parkinson’s. Some days there is very little hope. I worry about a country where the other guy is in charge. Years ago my dad, a traditional Catholic, who died last October at 101, said he no longer had a problem with gays and gay marriage, he decided it didn’t impact him.
I am glad you are here with us, Lydia. I love the story about your father. Goodness, he lived a long life. You must miss him.
For years I didn’t understand what it felt like to lose a parent. It feels hopeless and strange …to think i’ll never see or hear or be able to hug them again. The only thing that ends that empty feeling is when I die. I’ve mentioned before on Social Media that my mom also died 4 weeks shy of her 100th b’day and 5 months after my dad died. She died suddenly if that’s possible for being 99. I wish I would have appreciated her more. The 2 people that loved me my whole life are gone. 😞
Thank you, thank you, thank you. If only we had more allies like you! Love wins! No matter how hard the journey.
My lovely wife and I will be celebrating our 30th year together later this year. I don’t want to jinx us, but so far, no evidence we have harmed any straight marriages!
You have stop doing this. I don’t usually wear makeup, as a woman who turned 18 and voted the first time in 1972 (yay, McGovern!), I my beauty routine included Vaseline, Pears Soap, and witch hazel. Yet lately I have felt a little fancy and added lipstick and mascara, and it seems I always put on mascara just before reading your Substack. And your post always bring me to tears- either laughing so hard I cry or like today I cry thinking of dear friends and family members who should not have to be fearful of being targets because of whom they love.
Please, keep me in tears, I will give up mascara.
We love you and Sherrod,
The Locust Grove, Virginia Gibsons
Sharon, keep the mascara if it makes you feel fancy! I wear Thrive's water resistant Liquid Lash Extensions Mascara. I do believe this is the first time in my life I've shared a makeup tip with a reader. Like you, I tend to be a minimalist in that realm.
Good tip. You keep writing and know if our family lived in Ohio you Sherrod would be getting 7 votes.
Please move. We need those votes!!
Together 48 years, married since 2013 in another state. Driving home we realized that when we entered Ohio we were no longer married. Thankfully that has changed, in large part because of people like you. You keep us hopeful.
I heard that a lot from same-sex couples back in the day. I wish Ohio had been more welcoming back then. W. Weeks.
This is a beautiful piece. Thank you, from a cisgender female senior citizen.
Thank you for this article. I have friends and family that belong to the LGBTQ+ community. As the BIBLE says: "Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself!" No if, ands, or buts, just LOVE! thanks again. :-)
I have always felt that the opposite of love is fear. People fear what they don't know or understand. In the age of misinformatio, aka lies, it is no wonder these homophobes are out in droves. Christians they are not. Choose love every time!
I agree, Connie. And in that fear, we are capable of inflicting so much harm.
Thank you for this, Connie. My gay friends helped me raise my son. I will always be an ally.
I have a similar story from my single mother days, Wendy.
"Massachusetts became the first US state to legalize same-sex marriage on May 17, 2004, after the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court (SJC) ruled in Goodridge v. Department of Public Health that the state constitution prohibited only opposite-sex couples from marrying. The ruling, which came down on November 18, 2003, cited the constitution's ban on creating second-class citizens and gave the state 180 days to change the law. Despite efforts by some legislators to pass an amendment that would ban same-sex marriage but allow civil unions, the law change went through."
We may have been ahead of your state, but not of your heart.
Oh, but how I envied all of you in Massachusetts at the time, Martin. So many of my gay friends were married in your state because ours denied them this fundamental right.
Connie thank you again for a beautiful, hopeful column. What would Jesus do, is a question I can ask for so much that is happening now.
And, once again, I cried at the end of one of your posts.
Good tears I hope, R.S.
Yes, and wistful ones. Thank you for your writing. It always gives me hope.
Thank you, Connie. I am struggling to find the right words to thank you which is saying a lot coming from a preacher! Yes, love wins. They have tried to shout it down and stifle it with violence and even the cross, but love always wins.
You are leading the way, dear friend.
Oh, grrrl…you’re the best! As a fellow ally, I appreciate your words with which I can also help defend “friends with differences.”💙